Growing up, I always struggled with major levels of anxiety.

When I was really young, social anxiety got the best of me – I could barely speak to anyone or look anyone in the eye without my face turning bright red and my stomach curdling in shame.

In high-school, I was too anxious to open my email because it meant I might face the daunting task of drafting a response to someone.

During my post-secondary education, I struggled to connect with others or feel confident in any academic task, weighed down by the enormity of my imposter syndrome.

The anxiety continued into adulthood; in college I became truly overwhelmed, and it was common for me to suffer severe panic attacks that would put me on the floor wondering if I needed to call 911.

It was bad.

Throughout all of this, a variety of coping mechanisms kept me moving forward. But, as my responsibilities increased, my coping mechanisms began to be more problematic than my actual anxiety; I was struggling with BFRB – body-focused repetitive behaviors, irregular sleep, and random spurts of food restriction and exercise. 

At this point, therapy began to play a huge role in my life (let’s be honest, I should have gone to therapy a lot earlier). I found someone who was familiar with anxiety and anxiety related disorders, and amidst the painful chaos of life, she helped bring some compassion to my world.

I shared with her my struggles, and kept reiterating how frustrated I was with myself about the ways in which I was self-sabotaging while trying to deal with my anxiety.

It was during this time that I first heard the following statement: 

“There is no such thing as self-sabotage.” 

~ my therapist

Initially, I did a double-take when I heard this phrase, because frankly there are a lot of things I did (and still do) that I’d classify as self-sabotage, or at the very least idiocy and/or laziness.

It also sounds like a statement that could be taken as underestimating some very dangerous behaviors.

That being said, when I heard the explanation for this phrase, I really appreciated it.

Every unhealthy action is an attempt to meet a need.

The idea is that every action and choice that you make, no matter what it is, is your body’s way of meeting a need or protecting you from immediate pain or discomfort. 

As a kid, I made sure to avoid social situations to avoid feeling stressed and ashamed, but my social skills suffered for it.

I ignored my email to avoid the sense of panic that would set in when I saw a new message, but I would also miss deadlines for school.

I scratched my skin when I got anxious, and while it gave me something to focus on while numbing my mind to the adrenaline racing through my body, I was constantly in pain, and my self-esteem plummeted.

We all have these kinds of unhelpful/ unhealthy behaviors or coping mechanisms.

Ever heard of procrastination? What about compulsive buying? Nail-biting? These are a few examples of some obvious damaging behaviors that might be present in your life, but not all of the damaging behaviors are easy to spot.

For example, maybe you’re someone who is known as being helpful, kind, and giving. This might be a wonderful part of your personality and reputation, but behind the scenes you’re utterly drained, exhausted, and overwhelmed in your attempts to support others.

Or, perhaps you repeatedly overcommit yourself to your work; sure, you get a feeling of job safety, and that desired validation from your boss – but your relationships are suffering, and you’re on the fast-track to burnout.

Be kind to yourself – your needs matter.

As we begin to analyze how we may be sabotaging ourselves, it can be disheartening to acknowledge unhealthy patterns in our lives.

But, with the understanding that, “There’s no such thing as self-sabotage,” we can ask ourselves, “How do my bad behaviors, lack of boundaries, and unhealthy coping mechanisms serve me?” and we can start to identify the needs that are arising: 

• I need to feel less anxious.
• I need to feel valued and appreciated by my friends. 
• I need to feel secure in my relationships.
• I need to feel like my work matters.

These are all valid and wonderful things. But the way that we are trying to meet these needs isn’t leading to our long-term well-being, and that’s the problem. 

Avoid the cycle of shame.

I really love this phrase “There’s no such thing as self-sabotage,” because by identifying and acknowledging the validity of the need underlying the unhealthy behavior, we can begin to cultivate self-compassion and empathy towards ourselves when things get tough.

Too often when I slip into a bad behavior or coping mechanism, it’s really easy for me to beat myself up, ruin my self-esteem, and dampen the motivation that would allow me to step out of the bad behavior to begin with.

Now, instead of saying, “wow, I’m a terrible person for doing X/Y/Z,” I can say, “I see why I did X/Y/Z, but it wasn’t the best choice for me. Let me try again.”

Your needs do not excuse unhealthy behaviors.

As we begin to build compassion toward ourselves for our unhealthy behaviors, it’s important to point out that just because we have a need, doesn’t mean we get to justify any methods of meeting that need.

This phrase “There’s no such thing as self-sabotage” is not an excuse to continue these behaviors or coping mechanisms, which could be detrimental to you, or even your loved ones.

Your needs deserve to be met – healthfully.

Once we’ve identified the needs that are arising, it’s time to look for alternative solutions to meeting those needs.

If we’ve identified the need to feel less anxious, then maybe in addition to tackling the trigger of the anxiety, we can look at meditation practices, somatic therapy, or utilize a fidget spinner to keep ourselves from tearing our fingers off. 

Maybe if we want to feel successful at our job, instead of overcommitting to tasks, we can instead ask for constructive feedback from our boss or peers, take time to identify what we do well, and focus in on that area of our work. We can also set reasonable deadlines and expectations that we are confident we can meet, or exceed. 

If we are worried about supporting and feeling valued by our friends, but find that we need more time to prioritize ourselves, sharing our struggles, and focusing on quality of time (rather than quantity of time) can lead to deeper and more authentic relationships.

Change is difficult – don’t be too hard on yourself.

Even once we’ve pulled ourselves out of the sense of shame, embarrassment, or disappointment we have for our behaviors, it can still be overwhelming to identify all of the unhealthy patterns in our lives, and identify how we can begin to change our behaviors.

This process can be made even harder in a world where we are constantly bombarded with other people’s success, healthy habits, and happiness on social media.

In the face of all this, it’s important that we don’t compare our internal world to the external world of others; we all have our struggles, and they’re not always visible.

In addition, we only need to take one step at a time. The first step is self-awareness -and with each step, let’s be kind to ourselves.

If things don’t feel easy it’s because doing the work isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.